Owning Your Anger

It’s been over a month since I published a Forgiveness Friday post, but I haven’t forgotten about this series. Once again I’m thinking about forgiveness. You can find my other posts on forgiveness by checking out the Forgiveness Friday tag.

I am (very, very slowly) making my way through Forgiveness Is a Choice by Robert D. Enright. One of the things that he talked about at the beginning of the book is the need to recognize your anger. His assertion is that many of us are carrying a lot of anger around, which we don’t acknowledge. As long as we remain in denial about our feelings, we can’t really forgive. Instead, we excuse others’ behaviour or use a variety of coping mechanisms, but none of them actually resolve the issue.

forgiveness friday angerI certainly don’t think of myself as an angry person. I am generally cheerful to others, I don’t yell or swear at strangers (even in traffic), I work hard to remain calm and present with my kids, and so on. As I read Enright’s words, though, which included many examples, I found myself re-thinking my anger. When someone does something I don’t like, my usual M.O. is to feel briefly annoyed, and then to excuse their behaviour and move on. I try not to let that annoyance get to me. When you add up all the little annoyance, though, it comes to something much bigger. Also, words like irritated, annoyed and pissed are actually synonyms for angry. I just happen to not like the word angry, because it carries negative connotations. When someone is annoyed we often assume they’re justified. When someone is angry we’re more likely to think badly of them.

What happens when you don’t acknowledge your anger or allow yourself to feel it? You can’t really deal with it and offer forgiveness. If I’m not able to recognize what I’m feeling – regardless of what I’m feeling – I can’t work through my emotions and handle them in productive ways. Anger, especially, can lead to other problems if it isn’t handled. Freud classically said that depression is anger turned inwards. When unacknowledged anger leads to depression or anxiety or what-have-you, we try to deal with the depression or anxiety or what-have-you, but we never get to the root cause. Then we can never truly experience forgiveness and move on in productive ways.

I should point out that I’m not an expert here, I’m just laying things out as I understand them. And I can see why unacknowledged anger can cause problems.

Since reading about the need to acknowledge your anger as a first step to forgiveness, I’ve been trying to recognize those feelings of annoyance, irritation and so on. I have to admit, it’s a little scary. I’m afraid of becoming an angry person. I’m afraid that I’m being self-indulgent and cultivating a victim mentality. Women, especially, are discouraged from expressing anger. Overcoming all of that fear and conditioning is uncomfortable, to say the least. However, so far, I can tell you that recognizing my anger and actually facing up to it hasn’t led me to wallow in it, to act out aggressively, or even to feel angrier. It’s paradoxical, but when I can say to myself, “I’m really angry right now,” I actually feel less angry overall.

I still have a lot of work to do. Recognizing your anger is only a preliminary step to actually dealing with your anger and offering forgiveness. For now, at least I feel like I’m on the right track.

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  1. I know what I am angry about. More often that not, I don’t know what to do with it. I hang on to it for a while. I chew on it. It lives with me and then I ge board of it. I move on. But a huge part of me would love nothing more than to share some of my anger with the root – but really, that won’t be good for anyone.
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  2. Absolutely agree with the sentence about “victim mentality.” I remember the most anger I ever had was towards my roommate (it’s true-rooming together can ruin friendships). We were both hard-headed, debaters, and busy. We had all the same classes and extracurricular. After about a month, everything exploded and I had the biggest fight in my life thus far when we finally addressed the tension. She screamed at me to listen to her and close my mouth. I had never been yelled like that, and everyone down the hall could hear. She proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with me, that I only thought of myself. Some of her claims were indeed justified, and when she was done, she told me, “Now it’s your turn, you can yell at me.” I didn’t, I just walked out the door with my face burning. I knew exactly what I wanted to tell her, it was a perfect script that I had been culminating for weeks. I took that script and added on more and more lines throughout the year, resenting her so much and ruining my own year. I didn’t want to play victim, but I didn’t want to play aggressor either. Owning your anger is such a fine line to walk, and I haven’t been able to fully walk it.

    • It is a VERY fine line to walk, for sure. I’m not sure I’ll ever get it right, but I think it’s worthwhile to try.

      And I know very well the impact that rooming together can have on a relationship. I no longer communicate with any of my former roommates. It’s too bad, really.

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