Oh, the Snot You Will See!

You know how people love to give the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You’ll Go! to graduates? If not, people love to give Oh, the Places You’ll Go! to graduates. In fact, they even make a “Dr. Seuss Happy Graduation Gift Set” that includes the book. And having read the book, I can see why. It’s a great book. Very hopeful and honest and full of Seussical goodness.

I am currently in round two or three of general snottiness from my children this winter. Hannah is relatively constrained with her own mucus these days, being almost 6 years old and able to get her own tissues. But Jacob is a veritable fountain of snot. As I look at them, I am wondering what a Dr. Seuss book for new parents would look like. And so, with apologies to Theodor Geisel allow me to present my Seuss-inspired parody for new parents.

Swinging!
My adorable, but undeniably snot-prone, progeny

Oh, the Snot You Will See!

Congratulations!
Today is the day!
You have a new baby,
you’ve entered the fray!

OH!
THE SNOT YOU WILL SEE!

You’ll be just heading out,
on your way to playgroup.
When your child’s nose starts to
drip butternut squash soup.

But it isn’t soup, oh no it is not!
As it comes from the nose, it can only be snot!
You’ll look for a tissue, but there are none to be found,
so you’ll spend many moments rummaging frantically around.

In a pinch you will wipe up the goo with your sleeve,
or if you’re outdoors you may even use leaves.

I’m sorry to say so
but sadly, it’s true
that bodily fluids will be
all over you.

Mucous and vomit and saliva and poo
and dozens of kinds of unidentifiable goo.

You will learn many things about snot, yes you will!
Of snot, it is true, you’ll have more than your fill.
You will learn that it does not come only from noses.
It also comes from eyes, and sometimes from toeses.

How does snot come from toes?
I fear nobody knows.

Someday you will take your new babe out to meet
childless friends or co-workers or folks on the street.
Their eyes will light on the wee child and they’ll coo
and then draw back, horrified, when they spy the goo.
And then, my dear parent, you’ll know just what to do.
You will let out your heartiest laugh and you’ll say,
“Ha ha ha, my dear sir, just wait for your day!”

So…
be your child’s name Madison or Moira or Mark
or Petra O’Reilly Den Olsen Overpark,
you’re now a parent!
Today is the day!
Your mucus is waiting.
So…pack tissues, I say!

OK, so a bestseller it ain’t. But I had fun writing it.

Now, tell me. How do you handle the rivers upon rivers of snot? And do your children also run in terror from washcloths and tissues as you attempt to de-goo them? I’d love to hear!

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Comments

  1. I cannot say enough good about the hydrasense aspirator. That’s how I deal. It minimizes the nose wiping.

    Oh and benadryl
    Nicole’s last post … Water Safety Wednesdays- The Physics of SwimmingMy Profile

  2. Ha! That was awesome!!!
    How does snot come from toes?
    I fear nobody knows.
    That was my favourite part! Oh my, I needed that today!!!

  3. LMAO! That is truly a classic in the making. Well done and thanks for the belly laugh.
    Pam’s last post … Handy AmusementMy Profile

  4. Awesome job, Dr. Amberseuss.

    The “oh no you can’t wipe my nose I’m turning my head at the last minute so you are wiping my ear” is my favourite toddler trick. Can’t wait until my almost-3 y/o figures out how to blow.

    I cut up all my old receiving blankets and made them into snot rags. I know you’re supposed to use disposable tissues because of the spread of germs but I’m talking about at home, where all the germs are wiped into my eye / all over the couch / placed delicately up my nose by toddler finger anyway. The blanket/rags are soft, which pleases the children. And they are twice as big as a tissue, which increases my odds of actually getting SNOT instead of ear.

  5. Very clever! I love it.

    With my first I worried about it. With my second I only wipe it up when it gets really bad. Or I catch TOO MANY people staring. 🙂
    Christine LaRocque’s last post … Twitter detoxMy Profile

  6. That may very well be the most awesome thing I have read in a long, long time. It made me giggle out loud at work.

    My 2 year old is really into wiping his own snot on his sleeve, which seriously grosses me out. Then I have to chase after him and clean not only his face, which has snot strings from his nose to his ear, but also his wet snotty shirt sleeve. Fortunately he doesn’t mind the nose wipes too much. He is much more adverse to having goo on his skin than a tissue across his face. Plus he is currently mastering blowing his nose into a tissue, which is super helpful, becuase then I don’t need to get out the suction bulb, which he does hate.
    Shana’s last post … Wordless Wednesday- Quintessential SchmoopyBoyMy Profile

  7. The Critter’s conjunctivitis seems to be getting better, and so today I can laugh at this post!

    Glad to know I’m not the only one resorting to wiping snot on my sleeve. Hey, we’re resourceful. Or shameless. Or something.
    Rachael’s last post … I Feel Another Poem Coming On!My Profile

  8. oh that is hilarious!

    we are in the middle of a cold here…so tissue everywhere you turn…keeping it fresh is a challenge, I usually grab an already used one in the emergency moments. then follow up with a fresh tissue for the “remains”. haha.

    oh the joys.
    Jamie Willow’s last post … 10 Pampers GTG points! quick!My Profile

  9. Boogie Wipes. I love them. I give them as gifts to parents, I keep them in the car, the house… It means I do not have a red, angry nose on a toddler, and I can keep under their nose clean so no dry skin/impetigo-like rash occurs. (they also double as baby wipes when you run out in your travel pack and you are nowhere near somewhere you can buy more baby wipes).

    http://www.boogiewipes.com/

    I also use HydraSense single squeeze tubes for kids. So much easier than handling a bottle when you have a child who hates having their nose aspirated. http://www.hydrasense.ca/en/babyEasydose.aspx

    Barring that, I am now teaching him to blow. I am sure I look like a doofus kneeling in front of him, a Kleenex between my fingers and shoved at his nose going “Close your mouth and blow through your nose sweetie! LIke this!” and then impersonate a congested rhinoceros.
    Caroline’s last post … Condo ForestMy Profile

  10. too true!

    every outfit I owned was covered in my babies’ snot within moments of putting it on until they were at LEAST a decade. The “run up for a hug” manuevre so snot could be crusting up on my pant legs, my back, my front side or shoulders…. WHY do they wipe on mommy when they have perfectly good sleeves of their own?
    *pol’s last post … When to call it quitsMy Profile

  11. I do believe you have missed your true calling in life! 🙂
    Carrie’s last post … Red Writing Hood 2- Little ComedianMy Profile

  12. Hilarious! You are very creative and those are some great rhyming skills! Maybe you should look at a rap career? 🙂 Thanks for the smile! My Mom used to call the snot problem “11’s”, cuz there were two snot lines coming from our noses.

  13. HAHAHAH! Awesome. Love it. We are knee deep in snots as well. I am hating it. I’ve been using bum bum balm (from Dimpleskins) on his upper lip to keep from chapping. It’s going pretty well.
    Jen’s last post … Early SpringMy Profile

  14. I LOVE your poem!!! I am wading through my own rivers of baby snot and goo and this definitely cheered me up!

    Thanks!!!

  15. Yes! My kids run away every time I come towards them with a tissue. Ah well. Anyway, great poem! I hope your little ones are snot-free soon, lol, 🙂

    We are currently getting over a cold that was very yucky indeed;-)

  16. That is hysterical and absolutely should be a best seller!! Have a wonderful weekend Amber!
    Wendy Irene’s last post … Authentic LoveMy Profile

  17. Well done! I always have a runny nose, so I am constantly blowing it. Then one day about a month ago, Theo started blowing his own nose! I never thought my own constant blowing would have an upside. Now if he would just naturally start using the toilet. Wouldn’t that be grand?!
    harriet Fancott’s last post … What I learned in JanuaryMy Profile

  18. Perfect timing. You made my day. I’m staying home with a very sick toddler who has a high fever and rivers of snot. I actually snorted tea out of my nose reading this. 🙂
    Melissa E.’s last post … Snopocolypse 2011- The AftermathMy Profile

  19. We have repurposed receiving blankets too — now Eve calls them ‘kleenex blankies’ or ‘throwup blankies’. And we christened the nasal aspirator the ‘booger sucker’ early on. Yeah, the snot. If only we could spin it into gold.
    allison’s last post … Wordless Wednesday- Helping With HairMy Profile

  20. Love this post!!!! Did you know there’s also an “in utero” version of that book? I got it for my hubby when I got pregnant the end time, it was our way of spilling the news to the in-laws.
    http://www.amazon.com/Oh-Baby-Places-Youll-Go/dp/0679885722

    Anyway, yea, the day they finally learn to blow their nose is a godsend! My baby is sick right now and the skin just below his nose is so raw that it’s bloody and I didn’t even wipe it an excessive amount, it’s just from having so much snot on it! As a mom I can handle a lot. I can handle it when my babe vomits on me, I can handle poop, even the runny kind, I can handle icky gooey eye infections but the one thing I cannot handle is snot (and boogers).
    Nadia @ Red, White and GREEN Mom’s last post … Dancing on TablesMy Profile

  21. Hilarious, Amber. I’m ok with toddler snot, but I can’t tolerate preteens not blowing their noses timely.
    Francesca’s last post … iPhoneography with EMILY McCANNMy Profile

  22. I adore this.

  23. Warm damp washcloth in one hand, both legs and the other arm used to pin down the squirming toddler. As far as I know, that’s the way to clean a nose.

    Actually, both boys have gotten much better about it as they get older, but now and again. . .

  24. Hilarious!

    It’s a fact of life with small children – SNOT!
    Michelle @ The Parent Vortex’s last post … Playful Self-Discipline- Cultivating Mindfulness Through MeditationMy Profile

  25. I spy a children’s book parody for parents here….maybe your long-awaited book at last?!

    Absolutely HILARIOUS. Loved it.

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Trackbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Shannon, Fran & Dan and Jon Strocel, NicolleWahl. NicolleWahl said: ROFL RT @AmberStrocel: With my apologies to Dr. Seuss, I present "Oh, the Snot You Will See!": http://tinyurl.com/4g52nk2 […]

  2. […] Oh, The Snot You Will See – Strocel.com […]

  3. […] Plugin A few weeks ago, I got a good giggle out of Amber Strocel‘s Seuss inspired, “Oh, the Snot You Will See!” At the same time, I thought to myself: Fortunately, I don’t really see that much snot. […]

  4. […] you have kids, your tolerance for all things icky and sticky naturally rises. All of the snot and poo and half-eaten apples left under the couch to ferment leave you no choice but to adjust […]

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