You know how people love to give the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You’ll Go! to graduates? If not, people love to give Oh, the Places You’ll Go! to graduates. In fact, they even make a “Dr. Seuss Happy Graduation Gift Set” that includes the book. And having read the book, I can see why. It’s a great book. Very hopeful and honest and full of Seussical goodness.
I am currently in round two or three of general snottiness from my children this winter. Hannah is relatively constrained with her own mucus these days, being almost 6 years old and able to get her own tissues. But Jacob is a veritable fountain of snot. As I look at them, I am wondering what a Dr. Seuss book for new parents would look like. And so, with apologies to Theodor Geisel allow me to present my Seuss-inspired parody for new parents.
My adorable, but undeniably snot-prone, progeny
Oh, the Snot You Will See!
Today is the day!
You have a new baby,
you’ve entered the fray!
THE SNOT YOU WILL SEE!
You’ll be just heading out,
on your way to playgroup.
When your child’s nose starts to
drip butternut squash soup.
But it isn’t soup, oh no it is not!
As it comes from the nose, it can only be snot!
You’ll look for a tissue, but there are none to be found,
so you’ll spend many moments rummaging frantically around.
In a pinch you will wipe up the goo with your sleeve,
or if you’re outdoors you may even use leaves.
I’m sorry to say so
but sadly, it’s true
that bodily fluids will be
all over you.
Mucous and vomit and saliva and poo
and dozens of kinds of unidentifiable goo.
You will learn many things about snot, yes you will!
Of snot, it is true, you’ll have more than your fill.
You will learn that it does not come only from noses.
It also comes from eyes, and sometimes from toeses.
How does snot come from toes?
I fear nobody knows.
Someday you will take your new babe out to meet
childless friends or co-workers or folks on the street.
Their eyes will light on the wee child and they’ll coo
and then draw back, horrified, when they spy the goo.
And then, my dear parent, you’ll know just what to do.
You will let out your heartiest laugh and you’ll say,
“Ha ha ha, my dear sir, just wait for your day!”
be your child’s name Madison or Moira or Mark
or Petra O’Reilly Den Olsen Overpark,
you’re now a parent!
Today is the day!
Your mucus is waiting.
So…pack tissues, I say!
OK, so a bestseller it ain’t. But I had fun writing it.
Now, tell me. How do you handle the rivers upon rivers of snot? And do your children also run in terror from washcloths and tissues as you attempt to de-goo them? I’d love to hear!