Losing my Religion

The big questions in life have been troubling me lately. Why do bad things happen? Why do some people have so much, and others have so little? Does God exist? What does it all mean?

I’ve never spent that much time considering the meaning of it all. It’s only been since Jacob arrived that this is hitting me. I think it’s because this time around I feel very, very lucky. I have a marvelous husband, a perfect full-term baby boy, and a fabulous little girl. We’re all healthy and happy, and I didn’t do anything in particular to merit this good fortune.

So why do I get this? Why do I get this when others do not? Why do I live such a charmed life? And how is it, if the universe is unfolding as it should, that babies die? That families are shattered? That some people are born in war zones and famines, and others are born in (by global standards) the lap of luxury?

I don’t know what I will teach my children. As a Unitarian, I do not believe in a single Truth, a one size fits all solution to life. You could say I am religious, but not spiritual. I value ritual and tradition and community, but I don’t walk in the woods and commune with nature or meditate. I’m not sure which way to go, and I’m not sure how to resolve my understanding of the world with some broader, universal meaning. I still pray, but I’m not sure if anyone hears. I still feel wonder and awe, and a strong presence of love in the world, but I’m not sure that it has any sort of supernatural origin.

So, I go to church, and love my family, and do my best every day to be patient and kind. I feel very keenly that the time I have now with my children is fleeting, and I try to treasure the moments. Some days I do better than others. I hope it will be enough, my life, my offering to humanity and the universe. I trust that if God does exist, that God understands my heart, and that my efforts will suffice. What else could a loving Parent do?

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Comments

  1. Maybe instead of asking why, we should say, “thank you”. There will come a time when every person will face trial and heartache – that is life. The real lesson isn’t to figure the rhyme or reason to it, it is to appreciate our life in the moment, know just how blessed we each are and live a life of gratitude. You have a beautiful family and you are very blessed.

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